It’s that time of year again. We are only a few, but long lasting days away from the start of the NFL season, which means Fantasy Football is here. Every Sunday for the next four months, my phone battery will struggle for dear life as I try to keep updated on my players’ performance. ESPN’s fantasy app, as per tradition, will crap out around 1 pm eastern, when every addict frantically logs in to check their scores.

In the spirit of Fantasy Football and all of the armchair GMs, I wanted to base this week’s playlist on America’s new past-time. I have devised a vague, odd, and fluid system to create a mock team of rappers/hip-hop artists that I would draft for this upcoming season. I don’t know what an “upcoming rap season” actually is, but I need you to give me a break on this one.

Okay, so I used the same positions from my Fantasy Football league (ppr, one flex, one qb) as a template. I will explain the criteria for each position as we go along. Be forewarned, it is hard to come up with the equivalents for some of the football roster spots to hip-hop (especially kicker and tight end); so definitely, provide feedback.

So you don’t have to read all my words, here is my team and playlist ahead of time.

  • Qb – Jay Z
  • RB – Kanye West
  • RB- DRAM
  • WR -2 Chainz
  • WR – Tyler the Creator
  • Flex – Rae Sremmurd
  • TE – Lil Ugly Mane
  • D/ST – A$AP Mob
  • K – Action Bronson
  • Bench: Isaiah Rashad (QB)
  • Bench: BROCKHAMPTON (D/ST)
  • Bench: 21 Savage (WR)
  • Bench: Lil Uzi Vert (FLEX)

Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/fantasy-draft/idpl.u-RRbV02Ru6Z8Z7e

QB:

The Quarterback is possibly the most important position in sports, period. QBs need to posses the physical attributes to play in a league that features some of the most athletically and physically gifted players, eleven of which want to take your head off or ruin your day. However, more importantly, you need your QB to be the smartest person on your offense and leader on and off the field. The mixing of mental and physical capabilities is why some teams mortgage their future on a battle tested Quarterback.

Similarly the importance of the position is why I choose Jay Z in the sixth round. Yes, Nas was still on the board, but I will always take Tom Brady over any quarterback regardless of how much I hate him. Why? Because Brady knows how to win. Jay Z knows how to win. Not only that, but Mr. Carter has shown that he is ready to lead and that he can admit when he makes a mistake. Definitely my QB1.

Off the bench, I drafted Isaiah Rashad in the second to last round. He is younger, but he does demonstrate some leadership capabilities. I think with some great talent surrounding him, he will have a great season.

RB:

Running Back does not mean what it use to just ten years ago. The position has gone through some radical changes (second only to TE fantasy wise). If you cannot run and catch the ball, you are leaving points on the field. You need your RB to be getting as many touches as possible, in any form. David Johnson is one of the best RB to draft for ppr, because he racks up an insane amount of all purpose yards and finds his way into the endzone. Le’veon Bell is right alongside Johnson, he is one of Big Ben’s biggest targets and a monster runner.

So, your modern RB needs to be able to catch and run the ball effectively to get you those points. In essence, you rapper needs to have multiple talents that will benefit your team. Well my first choice is so freaking obvious and he will be going to the hall of fame in Canton soon: Kanye West. Mr. West is the prototype and consistent veteran. However, he might have been a stretch for the second round. Luckily, DRAM was still on the board towards the end of the fifth, and I was able to steal him. He offers not only some of the best singing and hook writing, but the man can rap and has a talent with production.

WR:

I like my WRs tall, strong, and slippery. My favorite Wideouts to draft are always redzone threats like Julio Jones and AJ Green; guys who can out run you on their perfect routes, then absolutely dominate corners in jump ball. I like the receivers who are not only going to compile an insane amount of yards underneath or on short throws, but those who have big gain potential every target. Also, he needs to carry himself with some attitude.

I disregarded the tall criteria a little bit, but it still somehow came out that these rappers happen to be tall. So I picked up 2 Chainz with my first round pick. I know, a first seems like a lot, but he is worth it. No one else on my team can seemingly string together multiple hits, while staying true to himself. Chainz seemingly wills himself to platinum records every other year, just leaping up the charts and into summer anthems. Subsequently, I picked up Tyler the Creator in the fourth. He continues to progress and his multifaceted talents means I can expect him to gain some points on the production as well.

For insurance, I picked up 21 Savage in the seventh. Notably, because he looked at me mad mean and I knew it would not end well if I didn’t select him.

TE:

Tight End has changed a lot thanks to the introduction of catch heavy players, like Tony Gonzalez and Jason Witten. You need someone who is big enough to at least pretend block, but someone agile enough to run routes and catch the ball. TE need to be prepared to get hit, injuries do ruin seasons. However, Tight Ends can be some of the best endzone targets because they are just massive targets.

I honestly had no idea how this would translate to hip-hop, but I saw Lil Ugly Mane sitting on the board, so I said “why not?” He is a consistent problem and someone that will definitely nab some points in the upcoming season. He sounds experimental, but familiar. Ugly is my Witten.

FLEX:

Flex is your free spot for any receiver. Typically you want this person to be able to get you points on the ground and through receptions. You need your flex to do just that, and flex on some fools for 15+ additional points per game. So I quickly snatched up Rae Sremmurd  in the third, because the “No Flex Zone” duo obviously know a thing or two. It’s perplexing how their high rating and returns remain consistent. Then in the eighth,somehow Lil Uzi Vert fell right into my lap. I think it might have been due to his friends all being dead, and the controversy that surrounds that situation.

D/ST:

Defense is like the least important position in fantasy football. I mean this year, you will probably be safe just drafting whoever plays the Jets’ Defense, because they ain’t scoring. However, Special Teams is a strategic reason to actually care about your defense. ST touchdowns can make a significant difference in final scores (ask anyone who had Kansas City’s last year), so do not sleep on the position.

I tend to like my defenses to shut people down, rather than put high scores through turnovers or ST. So, I want a wild as fuck, dangerous crew. Wu Tang slipped past me, because I have no idea what they are actually doing. So in the eleventh round, I picked up A$AP Mob. They were sitting there because you can never tell how dominate this group will be, because they are a little star heavy. If the Seahawks’ defense went to shit with the loss of Earl Thomas, I’m scared to think of what happens to the Mob without Rocky. However, Rocky has persevered through illness, so I think we are safe.

In the last round I pick up BROCKHAMPTON as insurance, but I think I’ll probably start them a few times to see what they offer.

K:

Kicker. Mr. Unnecessary. Mr. I-Need-You-To-Be-Consistent (looking at you Tampa). I need a rapper that will show up during game time and give me those field goals or extra points. He should be athletic to a point, but just pretty good at kicking. I don’t need him running a 4.40. He needs to be a good addition in the locker room, as someone we rely on and enjoy being around. I mean, Action Bronson is the obvious choice. I will not back down.

So here is my team. If you are still here, you are a true champ and a trooper. I respect you. Leave some love below and let me know what your team looks like.